| Soccer |
[Feb. 11th, 2009|11:26 pm] |
But, it's really about me really. lol...when isn't it?? I'm reading my Self Book and they have been discussing "The Critic" that Everyone has. In the Few Examples it provided, I didn't really feel I had Similar Critics nor could I really think of Many at the Time. Now, I realize that Mine is much More Pervasive than I thought. It's that Voice in my Head that is thinking for Other People. You haven't been around Enough: you can't say that. You don't have Enough Experience: you shouldn't do that. They probably don't remember you: don't say anything. The Book said that sometimes the Critic will take the Voice of someone else--an Authority Figure. Well, Mine doesn't. It's just me. No One's Voice is attributed to it. But, I know it's stopping me from whom I want to be. Either just saying Hi to a Stranger or Acquaintance, participating in Class, calling out Others, offending in Sports(I usually always defend). So, my Self-Esteem is bruised...heavily probably. That'll probably be the Project for the Semester: trying to fix my Self-Esteem.
I'm out of Gas.
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| Birthday |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|05:27 am] |
Well, it's that Time of Year again... I've turned 23. God, that 's fucking Old. Had a Party at my Place. It went off 90% well. The Finals Hours were Complicated. It was a Blast; I should throw a Party More often. Well, I hope Everyone else had Fun. I need to take Advantage of my Life. I think that I just do sit back and just let Things happen. That's not really whom I want to be. I don't know whom I want to be. It's Funny how I need to know. IDK... It comes into Effect. I'd feel More Confident. I know that I am the Major Obstacle to myself. I think that I let myself talk myself into Certain Scenarios. I know I have something to give to the World. I just need to let it out. I'm so afraid of acting out and being myself that I'm so Frustrated with my Life.
But, I love my Life. I used to resent my Life, but it's the Only One I have and I might as well make the Best of it. I have a Lot going for me and I just need to let it be. If I did not spent so much Time thinking about myself or what Other People think of me, I think I would have a much More Fulfilled Life and would remember a Lot More!
But, I'm Glad for my Life and would not trade it for anyone else's. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|11:20 pm] |
PS: I'm surrounded by Accolades of Others representing Success. I just feel Less if I don't have such Things, too. Hmmm..."Things"...
I'm Afraid of being Mediocre. I think that's the Worst Thing in the World. I just want to feel Special/Unique as Cheesy as that may sound. It's Funny though because I'm looking Outward to find something that proves I am. From my Little Book I've been reading, it's been stressing the Importance of Self-Love and Inner Assurance. I need to discover that about myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|10:45 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Sam Sparro - Black and Gold | ] |
So, it's Finals Time and of course Life sucks. I'm working on the MatLab Program and it's frustrating the Hell out of me. We never actually learned MatLab, we just used it to implement a Bunch of Techniques for finding Shit. It'd be Nice if we actually did learn it because it might help me with this Program that I am writing now. It's just Annoying because I followed a Previous Example almost to a T and it's still not working. And, I'm getting down on myself because I know there are Other People in the Class who have figured it out and I feel like a Moron because I cannot. Like I pride myself in being a Smart Individual and when I cannot perform, I become very Upset and give-up. Now, I know I shouldn't base myself on the Fact that I can't do a Problem correctly the First Time, but I still do. It kind of puts me in a Rut that I can't get out of. IDK I just want to make something of myself and I have nothing thus far. And, I believe that Academic Success is a Predictor of whom an Individual may become. That's not always the Case, but what else can you use at College?? Everything is Grades. And, this Semester is not going particuarly well. I've been thinking that I might get a D in 310. Well, that Class just sucks and I did miss Most of an Exam. But, I kind of realized that I didn't really care about what we were learning. And, I'll probably have a Low GPA...probably lower than a 3.0, which is Bothersome because I want to graduate with a Cumulative GPA higher than 3.0.
So, I saw "Were the World Mine" the Other Night. It was a Good Movie; it seemed More like a Teenage Soap Opera...lol But, of course, the Homo finds himself a Boy and they are Happy. Hahah...God, sometimes I am so Cynical. Well, maybe... I don't mean to poke Fun, maybe I'm a Bit Bitter because it hasn't happened to me yet. Hell, I'm going on 22 and haven't yet had a Relationship. What does that say about me? I mean, that's the Common Denominator in the Predicament. It's not like it's Other People for I nearly should have found someone by that Standard. IDK It says a Lot about me. I don't even know what is. I'm trying to figure that out. I'm trying to figure out a Lot about myself. I feel too Old to be having these Problems. Maybe not... But, some of my Fears and whatnot seem so Juvenile. So much for getting past Childhood; I guess that Shit really sticks with you. For what it's Worth, I've changed slowly. IDK...it doesn't feel like it. But, I'm definitely thinking differently about myself, Life, Others. Such Thoughts never would have crossed my Mind Last Year. So, I'm probably headed in the Right Direction. I'll probably be needing some Help along the Way. We'll see where I can find it. But, I hope to be a Completely Different Individual by the Time I graduate. Because I don't like who I am now? Slightly. Because I want to be whom I envision? Moreso.
I feel like I'm just stuck; I'm not going with the Flow. I think I work against it to avoid going too far in the Wrong Direction. But, I have All these Paths in Front of me and I'm just Unsure of which One to take. [Work with the Metaphor] I want to make the Right Decision the First Time. It's Hard for me to accept Failure. Well, I can, but I never like to. I'm dislike making Mistakes even for what I may learn from the Experience. Part of that comes from the Fact that I think there is a Perfection to be achieved. Perfect Academics, Social Life, Body, Life. I think that needs to be broken. Because there definitely isn't One and it's not like it's even Achievable.
I need to take the World by the Horns. I know that I can exert an Influence so that my World is a Reflection of what I want it to be. Either in the Way a Discussion flows, how I view myself, or what Activities I do. I feel like I'm just sitting on the Sidelines and playing by Everybody Elses' Rules, which is no Fun. IDK...I'll have a Lot of Time over Break to think about it. Hopefully. The First Week seems Lost right now.
Well, I feel Less Angry now that I have let that out. Back to Program. |
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| Myself |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|02:21 pm] |
So much for sticking with it...lol... Things have been Hectic as Usual. Every Semester I try to start Things off well, but it always falls apart. This One More than Others, it feels. Although it isn't too Bad–yet. We'll see when Grades come out. But, I really can't wait for the Semester to end and have a Break. I'm Sure I've had the Same Feelings Every Semester, but this One Might be a Little Different. I just want to think about me. I don't even know what exactly that will encompass. Hence me needing to think about it...lol
I think a Good Goal for 2009 is to be Happy. I think there are Very Few Points in my Life when I felt so. I've been reading this Happy Book...lol...and it's just been making me think a Lot. IDK This Shit is Complicated and the World is Complex as Fuck. Fortunately for me, I happen to think about EVERYTHING. Hahah...not Fun. IDK My Happy Book discusses Thoughts a Lot. I definitely let them get the Better of me. That's One Thing I want to change.
Okay, New Topic: I like a Boy. This is the Reason why I kind of wanted to write, and I don't really know why I didn't start with this. Oh, well... Anywayyyyyyyyy...so yeah. Begin the Ultimate Clusterfuck; for One, I still haven't had a Boyfriend yet. The Opportunities have really thinned out now because I haven't been going out in DC as much. I kind of miss it. I will have to go back because after Formal, I definitely miss the Dancing. The Irony in the Conundrum is that those Boys never appealed to me either. They're Great People, but just now whom I look for in a Boyfriend. To be Stereotypical, Many are Fems...lol But, I don't really identify with that, so I really don't want a Boyfriend who does. There have been Other Boys who aren't Fem, but the Chemistry just wasn't there. And, Todayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I don't even know if it's there. I feel like I'm hoping for something that'll never happen. I know I can make it happen, but I don't want to screw Things over. I'll be seeing him until I graduate in 2010. He's hard to read. Part of it is that we've never hung out together. IDK...it's just a Process and I'm letting my Emotions get ahead of me. For One, I haven't quite met anyone else like him either. Sooooo...yeah And, it's Annoying because I usually get a Little Tongue-tied around him. I kind of feel it's Awkward for him to be around me, too. IDK...but writing it out helps me process it and get it out of my System, because it's been eating me the Past Couple of Days. That and it just needs to runs its Course. Although I won't lie: it would be really Nice.
Shit...I had a Point and now I forget it. I am definitely going to make Small Goals to help better me. I think I am daunted by the Enormity of the Changes I want, that nothing happens. I think that's the Case with a Lot of Things. I want so much, which involves Heavy Commitments...i.e. change myself...lol I just need to do this and Everything Piece-wise. Much Better Approach. I feel like I'm going through my Quarter-Life Crisis...lol But, seriously, there's just been so much that has been on my Mind. I think that's Part of the Problem, too, because it just doesn't let me be I. I wonder if Other People have Similar Issues; I should ask. I have to be the Agent of Change in my Life. An Interesting Encounter Today: 300 had an Exam Today. I finish and go to Taco Bell and there's this Kid in my Class. Now, I would want to talk because that's I, but I'm stuck thinking what to say, if I should say anything, how should I come off, waiting for him to say something first, etc. Part of me has always thought that if I held out on Initiations, the Right People would approach me. I don't think that's been the Case. So, I need to be the One who makes the First Move. Partly because that's who I want to be; it's what I want to do. I just get caught up in Other People's Perception of me and hold back. This is my Life and I want to enjoy; I just need to start doing so.
And, I just want to dance. |
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| Revival |
[Sep. 26th, 2008|08:39 pm] |
Wow, I never thought I'd be writing back in this again. It's been over Two Years since I wrote in it. Almost Four Years since I started it. I read the First Entry. Wow. There are a Lot of Things that have changed about me--and probably some that haven't changed. But, it was just Good to read it. I still remember the Events of the Time.
Well, Four Years now, and I'm still in College Park...lol. I have figured out what I want to study: Civil Engineering. I'd really like to do Urban Planning, but we don't have an Undergraduate Program for it. Civil's still Cool.
It almost feels like I'm a Freshman again. A Lot of Peeps have moved out. Still have a Lot of the Sameeeeee Issues swarming in my Head. I sought Counseling once before and it worked--I guess. I'm not too Sure, but in the End, I felt better about myself. Not Sure if I wrote about that. But, this Time it'll be a Group Session, which will be Good. I think I create a Lot of Anxiety in my Own Head. And, I have a Very Dichotomous Point of View for Social Situations: this is Cool, this isn't, etc. So, I fret a Lot on whether I should or shouldn't be doing something. And, I give Others too much Credit for caring. Because I can get along with a Lot of People, I just don't project this Idea onto Others. Well, there's a Lot More than this and it'll come out Later.
I really want to keep this going. Because One Day I will look back and want to see how I was in the Past. Even now I wish I had More Pictures. C'est la vie. God, I could spend Hours tossing that Phrase around in my Head.
But, now for the Presidential Debates. Go Obama! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|09:13 pm] |
| American Cities That Best Fit You:: | | 60% Denver | | 60% Las Vegas | | 55% Atlanta | | 55% Los Angeles | | 55% San Francisco |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|09:09 pm] |
| You Should Be A Libra | 
What's good about you: A total charmer, you easily find friends and allies
What's bad about you: You have a secret side that's easily confused and depressed
In love: you enjoy flirting, dating, and the whole process of falling for someone
In friendship, you're: very social ... you rather be with your friends than be alone
Your ideal job: fashion designer, makeup artist, or song writer
Your sense of fashion: very feminine / masculine (depending on your gender)
You like to pig out on: sweet stuff like ice cream and french toast |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|08:55 pm] |
| Your Birth Month is January | 
You are a natural leader who is able to stand up when no one else can.
Strong and powerful, you tend to overshadow those around you.
Your soul reflects: deep love, fascination with life, and a distinctive persona
Your gemstone: Garnet
Your flower: Snowdrop
Your colors: Black, dark red, and dark blue |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|08:23 pm] |
| Your True Love Is a Sagittarius | 
Why you'll love a Sagittarius:
Deep and philosophical, you'll love getting lost in hours of conversation with your Sag.
Your Sagittarius is curious and adventurous enough to keep you interested... not an easy task!
Why a Sagittarius will love you:
You're passionate about a few important issues, a kind of depth that Sagittarius finds very attractive.
You're outgoing, flexible, and up for almost anything. You and your Sag will have tons of adventures together. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|08:04 pm] |
| Your Brain's Pattern | 
You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.
You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.
People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.
But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|08:01 pm] |
| You Are Strawberry Ice Cream | 
A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|07:56 pm] |
| You Are a Fortune Cookie | 
You're a rather normal person, except that you have extraordinary luck in life.
People want to be around you (even when they're a little sick of you), in hopes of being lucky too! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|11:28 pm] |
1. WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR EX IF YOU COULD?
I don't have an Ex
2. WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
None
3. HAVE YOU MADE OUT WITH ANYONE ON YOUR FRIEND'S LIST?
Yep
4. DO YOU HAVE "A THING" FOR ANYONE ON YOUR TOP 8?
Yes
5. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR LIST DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE?
95%
6. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?
More than 4.
7. DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS?
Nope, but they probably don't know that.
8. DO YOU MAKE OVER 40K A YEAR?
No :-(
9. WHAT NAME WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE BESIDES THE ONE YOU HAVE?
Madison, Morgan, Anthony, Axel(What can I say, Buddy, it's a Hot Name), and that's AllI can think of.
10. WOULD YOU EVER MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX?
Don't waste too Many Brain Cells trying to figure this One out.
11. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BDAY?
Not much, and I really don't remember.
13. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
I don't have a Ringtone; it's on Silent/Vibrate Most of the Time.
14. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP?
7:30a - the Bitch.
15.WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
Drinking
16. HOW MANY OF YOUR EX'S ARE ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST?
0
17. DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED?
No, duh...
18. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T WAIT TO DO?
Drive!!!
20. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLING(S)?
I guess...
21. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
My Size
22. IF YOU HAD $250,000...HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT?
School, Car, Others, Bank
23.HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AT YOUR CURRENT JOB?
Too long - Two Weeks or so
25. LAST PERSON YOU CALLED?
Sam, but he didn't want to talk to me.
26. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Peanuts!
27. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH?
Ummm...May?
28. YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MONTH?
August
29. WHAT'S THE LAST PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU BORROWED?
A Shirt from Sil
30. WHO IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW?
I would have to tell him first before I put it here.
31. MOST VISITED WEBPAGE?
Myspace
32. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT MESSAGED?
Silvano
33. LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
It's been a While...
34. WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Yep
35. WHAT PHYSICAL FEATURE DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE SAME/OPPOSITE SEX?
I look at the Whole Package, but especially Legs because Most Guys fail at that.
36. FAVORITE FOOD?
Ummm...IDK...
37. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Ice Cream
38. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED?
I reserve this Answer
39. IF SOMEONE YOU HATED DIED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I don't hate.
40. DO YOU OWN A CAMERA PHONE?
No |
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| Studying's Overrated |
[May. 4th, 2006|12:43 am] |
1) Fifth grade teacher's name?
Mrs. Anderson
2) Last words you said?
Ummm...IDK
3) Last song you sang?
REM - Drive
4) Last person you hugged?
IDK...wait...Allison
5) Last time you cried?
Nearly did a Couple Days ago... :-\
6) Last time you said I don't remember?
IDK :-p
7) Last thing you ate?
Banana and Hoagie!
8) What color is the floor in your room?
Brown--not the Nicest
9) What color socks are you wearing?
White
10) What's under your bed right now?
Suitcases, Boxes, etc
11) What time did you wake up today?
7:30a - I'm not Sure why...
12) Current taste?
Ummm...
13) Current hair color?
Brown
14) Current favorite band?
IDK
15) Current annoyance?
School
16) Current thing you want to eat?
Cinnamon Roll!!!
17) Current desktop background?
Blue Pretty Thingy
18) Current worry?
Summer Internship/Grades/Engineering
19) Current hate?
:-\
20) Current favorite brand of clothing?
Aeropostale
21) Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
Not Applicable
22) Last CD that you listened to?
I don't listen to the CDs
23) Favorite place to be?
Anywhere with Good Friends
24) Least favorite place?
Classes
25) Time you wake up in the morning?
Already asked.
26) Time you get home from school?
Usually 7p
27) Favorite color?
Red
28) Do you believe in an afterlife?
Not really...
29) Do you believe in God?
Not really...
30) Current favorite word/saying?
IDK, Fuck
31) Favorite book?
Dan Brown - Angels and Demons
33) what is on your bed at the moment?
Covers
35) Where do you want to go to College?
UMD
36) What do you want to be when you grow up?
IDK...
37) How many kids do you want?
Six
38) Been drunk?
Are you Serious?
39) Said "I love you" and meant it?
Only to the Relatives
40) Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird.etc?
Hahahaha...Yeah...
41) Been to New York?
Yep
42) Been to Maine?
Nope
43) Been to California?
Nope
44) Been to Hawaii?
Yep
45) Been to Mexico?
If you want to get Technical...
46) Been to India?
Nope
47) Been to France?
Nope
48) Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?
I barely remember my Dreams, so No.
49) Have you ever made out with anyone who didn't speak ANY english?
Nope
54) Worst feeling in the world?
Lonliness
55) What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
What Time is it?
56) How many rings before you answer the phone?
At Least One
59) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Nope
68) What are you most scared of?
Not getting the Most out of life
69) How do you want to die?
Quietly
70) Who is the last person that you called?
IDK...and I can't find my Phone
71) Where do you want to get married?
IDK...it's not in my Mind now
72) If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
Not worry as much, be more out-going
73) Who do you hate?
No One really...
74) Been in a swimming pool?
Of course
75) Are you timely or always late?
Usually timely...
76) Do you have pets?
A Cat back Home
77) Do you like being around people?
Usually....
78) Best feeling in the world?
I'll let you know when I find it
79) Are you for world peace?
Sounds Nice...
80) Are you a health freak?
I need to be moreso
81) Do you have a "Type" of person you always go for?
"Bad" Boys...:-p, but that's the Only "Type"; I usually just like whom I like; Confidence is Huge
82) Do you like somebody right now?
Yes
83) Does anybody like u right now?
I want to say Yes
84) Ever afraid you'll never get married?
I'm not worried about it now...
85) Do you want to get married?
I'm not worried about it now...
86) Do you want kids?
Absolutely!
87) If you could have a conversation with anybody in the world, alive or deceased and without language barriers, who would you talk to?
Susumu Tonegawa: discoverer of VDJ recombination in lymphocytes (B cells)
My grandfather (from my mom's side) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|12:00 pm] |
Whats your name spelt backwards? nayr
What did you do last night? Saw a Comedy Show: Good Stuff
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Probably some Music...
Have you ever licked a 9-volt battery? Yep! I love it.
Last time you swam in a pool? No! Got to do that soon...
What are you wearing? White Shorts
How many cars have you owned? Technically...
Type of music you dislike most? Some Hardcore Rap...
Are you registered to vote? Yep, Democrat...
Do you have cable? Yep
What kind of computer do you use? Apple! Be Jealous.
Ever made a prank phone call? Yeah....
You like anyone right now? Mhmmm...
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Both!
Furthest place you ever traveled? Hawaii
What's your favorite comic strip? Garfield
Do u know all the words to the national anthem? Don't ask me for them now...
Shower, morning or night? Usually Morning
Best movie you've seen in the past month? I haven't seen a Movie in the Past Month :-p
Favorite pizza toppings? Pepperoni
Chips or popcorn? I don't care
What cell phone provider do you have? Cingular
Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Ummm...no.
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Nope
Orange Juice or apple? OJ
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Can't recall, although I don't do lunch often.
Favorite chocolate bar? Milky Way
Who is your longest friend and how long? Ed and probably for Six Years
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Homegrown...a Couple Years...
Have you ever won a trophy? Maybe...I can't remember
Favorite arcade game? I would have to say DDR now, but I'm not much for the Arcade.
Ever ordered from an infomercial? Nope
Sprite or 7-UP? Sprite sometimes; is 7-up still around???
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work? Yeah...
Last thing you bought at Walgreens? I haven't shopped there in forever
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? True Love
Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really...
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON? Ummm...
Did you have long hair as a young kid? Four Inches or something...
What message is on your voicemail machine? I don't listen to my Voicemail Message
Where would you like to go right now? Away
Whats the name of your pet(s)? Harvey
What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it? Some Standard Back-pack...nothing Special
What do you think about most? What the Fuck I have to do |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|03:02 am] |
| You are a Self-Discoverer | 
You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.
Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.
You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.
You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|02:54 am] |
| Your Famous Last Words Will Be: | 
"I dunno, press the button and find out." |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|02:53 am] |
| Your True Love Is a Cancer | 
Why you'll love a Cancer:
Cancer's loyal and sincere heart makes your own sensitive heart melt.
Caring and devoted, a Cancer will take the lead in pursuing you - and not give up!
Why a Cancer will love you:
You're laid back enough to deal with Cancer's little mood swings and freak-outs.
A fellow homebody, you know how make Cancer comfortable and at home with you. |
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carpediemd365's journal